When I reflect back on my life I always remember being a highly sensitive person. During my youth never feeling like I fit in yet always felt such compassion for the world as a whole. I remember as a child having a curious thought to how “Man” could put an imaginary line on a piece of land to separate people. And this line drawn as a border was able to instigate such separation and fear.
Growing up sensitive, feeling awkward most of the time as an introvert that wanted to “fit in” was challenging yet a very high degree of curiosity for life lit my way. You might say I am like a cat that is certainly grateful for having 9 lives. This curiosity to explore and learn along with a connection I had with my inner Source is what I know carried me through some of the darker times in this life experience.
Fighting most of my younger years to run from how much I felt, to pushing down my feelings covered in shame and confusion for what I felt and even feeling unworthy to actually have all the connection I knew was possible was a theme I would eventually outgrow in my mid-20’s.
Trust me, like you I have been there. Used food as a means to control my feelings, used sex in harmful ways as a means to self-punish and confirm my low self-worth and pushed myself so hard during a bodybuilding career that it all came down on me when I woke up one day barely able to walk, putting on 30 pounds in 48 hours.
I had always thought I just needed to be strong on the outside and I could get myself through anything. However, when life came tumbling down in this phoenix rising moment I remember three pivotal awarenesses.
1. That this was an opportunity to dive deep inside and create some radical change in my life and the way I mentored others.
2. No one was going to do it for me and that I had everything I needed within to rise out of the despair.
3. I would rather feel everything then to feel nothing at all.
I feel my life was being radically redirected and there was important wisdom to gather by going into the fire, the uncomfortable and come out the other side. I sold everything I owned including a successful business, devoted a lifetime to 7 years of celibacy along with making the world my home while deepening my studies with mentors and schools associated with Tantra, Yoga, Kabbalah, Shamanism, Human Relating & Sexuality, Psycho-Spiritual counsel, Transpersonal and Interpersonal studies.
I knew that it was time to feel and know myself body, mind, sexuality, and Spirit at a much deeper level than ever before. There was wisdom to tap into within myself, that was an essential component to be able to cultivate my own presence as a mentor to others on this journey. I knew this was a way my soul was to share itself in the world. I have always known that the moments I experience in life are simply teaching and molding me like a diamond to be a guiding light which was also guiding me back to the source within me.
My biggest wish is that all beings have the ability to feel more fully, to trust their feelings and feel at home in their bodies. I envision a world where all beings feel safe and comfortable to express authentically. Where boundaries, consent and conscious relating is a common language. Where sexuality is realized as a soulful experience. A world where we teach our children that feeling and compassion is just as important or more so than winning trophies or chasing for things outside of them to be happy.
Know that it is safe to be your unique self, and you are loved exactly as you are.
I guess you can say this is what I had wanted when I was young. I wanted to feel safe in my body, to understand my feelings. To hear these words, to feel this compassion and embrace by those around me. So today I share this with others as they find their way back home and remember the gift in their unique sense of being.
Tziporah Kingsbury, founder of The Soulful Relating Institute
Join Tziporah’s online class Intimacy, Breath, and Connection with the Self here