Much of this journey into the cage fights…has been driven by a slight lunacy of attempts to fill a deep void – something I’d been educated to believe could be patched from the outside, with achievements, things, people, money and notoriety – and deep lack of self worth. For a long time I thought I was searching for happiness, when what I really craved was meaning, to find what’s real and alive inside each moment and to give it expression.
This isn’t a story with a happy ending but rather ending with the beginnings of happiness, a work in progress that’s starting to recognise an inner benevolence who could never aspire to avoid pain, search for silver bullets, request somewhere permanent to rest its head, and could give up the fight for the light over the darkness. Shadows are rich, deep and give definition to life, without these opposites we simply couldn’t be. Please remind me of this next time I fall off the wagon. I’ve pondered lately if death could be the thing that gives meaning to life. The fact that one day this little self will be gone, bringing an urgency to love now, not tomorrow. If you figure this out before I do, maybe you can teach me how.