I have to admit that long haul flights do something crazy to my system. Last flight to China made me tired hyper and extra high and happy. I was dancing at night naked in the bathroom and gratitude and love were flowing through me with such intensity that I cried for hours with my heart almost exploding from gratitude for just being alive!
This flight to Taiwan was entirely different. Tired, jet lagged and unable to sleep – I was crying all night too – but from sadness and grief and sorrow, which, in the same way as gratitude a month ago – were spontaneously arising in me.
All day after the flight I felt how my neediness and attachment to love were arising in me. That neediness of a little girl wanting love and attention from her father. Memories of my father that I didn’t have before were arising too. I could hear my needy voice and his harsh voice, I could see me reaching for him and him pushing me away as he was busy and I irritated him in a big way.
This neediness never went away, it stayed in the subconscious. Neediness for love from men. A sensation that it’s impossible to get it. And because of that it’s better as a self preservation tool to shut down and withdraw. So that the heart doesn’t get stabbed from being open – it’s better to put armour around it.
This time I could feel that needy Lera, begging for love. I knew exactly the things I shouldn’t do and yet I did them anyway. This needy Lera was too much for me. Yet the only thing I knew was right to do was to embrace that little needy Lera that got stuck in this neediness at the age of the child asking for her father’s love. To just be present with her and love her needy being (not easy really as needy was always associated with weak and I despised it in me and everyone else too).
There was a shift – from need to freedom, from depending on men to give me love to seeing that the only way to get love is to be that love myself, from trying to control the outcome to letting go and trust. Yet I can feel there is so much more underneath it. To face it is painful yet so necessary in order to live life from the place of freedom and love rather than fear and control.