I don’t really know where to begin. There have been several events that really determined my journey…
Ever since I was a child, I’ve been wanting to be a peace-maker. I always felt quite uncomfortable when seeing people in violence. I didn’t understand why.
When I was nine, I got interviewed by a Polish writer. She asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said I wanted to create peace in the world. Astonished, she asked, how are you going to do that! I just knew I could do it – one person at a time.
Later on, I got disconnected from that ideal. Life happened…For many years, I felt like a victim. I didn’t believe that I had the power to change; I couldn’t see that there was something better or that I deserved better. I always sought advice from other people, hoping them to tell me how to live my life. And I had been searching – searching for that happiness, that joy, that peacefulness, from external things. I thought, if I buy a house, life will be great. But the day when I bought my house, I lied down on the floor, suddenly I cried – because nothing changed! I still felt the same emptiness, the same void. It was not until years later, after a couple of painful experiences, did I realise that none of those material pursuits would ever fulfil my void within, at least not for a sustained period of time. As such, those crisis were very much needed…
The very event happened in my late 20s. I was unwell. Since I always wanted to create peace, I was this person who tried to help everyone, to please everyone. I didn’t realise that while I was doing that, I ignored completely my own inner crying. When my body started to create this discomfort and pain, I couldn’t cope with it anymore. So I went to see the doctor. It turned out that there were some changes on my pancreas. I freaked out. I remembered that my uncle passed away from pancreas cancer. When there is someone like that in your family, you immediately feel like you are connected to that destiny. I didn’t want to die. The same day, I also discovered some bruise on my neck. But the doctor was saying to me: “I’m not sure what it is. I’ve never seen anything like that…I will give you this medicine that should cover the symptoms…” That really hit me: cover the symptoms…how about the root causes? The next day, I knew I didn’t want any medicine anymore. I decided to approach my being in a completely different way, even though at the time, I didn’t know what that really meant.
So I went on a journey of searching. I started a nutrition diet. Then, I came across someone who was doing EFT (emotional freedom technique). There was a technique called tapping. It was very intense. But just three months down the line, the pancreas got cleared. It went back to normal. It was a real journey within – into my pain body, into my childhood, into my shadows. And with each healing, there was a shift, as if a heavy weight was lifted off my being. As I was going through the healing sessions, and letting go of things, suddenly I felt like I blossomed! Sometimes I looked into the mirror, I couldn’t recognise the woman in front! I didn’t know whether it was visible to the external world, but I knew that I was changing.
Shortly after my health crisis, my partner broke up with me. I was devastated. This was the second relationship where things were not working. The first one, there were lots of blaming and finger-pointing, and I was not owning my mistakes, taking my responsibilities. But for the second one, I thought it was super healthy – we were expressing love to each other every day…we were very encouraging. But I didn’t see actually deeper inside we were very needy. As I was doing my inner work, I realised that it wasn’t as healthy as I perceived.
When I was younger, I always believed that to be with someone was very important. I had a strong crave for intimacy, and I thought I could only get that from a partner. Over time I came to the realisation that actually what I was really seeking, was a much deeper connection.
Four weeks after the breakup, I joined a women circle. This was the very first time when I was connecting with women, or just with people, in that very conscious way. I remembered that day I cried my eyes out. But no one was trying to stop me. No one was tapping my shoulder and saying, “honey don’t worry, it’s gonna be okay.” They just held the space, and allowed me to be. Even though I didn’t know those women, I felt loved, supported, welcomed, and trusted. There was not much talking, just connecting, inquiring within, accepting my own feelings, and expanding that inner knowing. It was so beautiful. They were just trusting that I could go through it by myself, be the Goddess and create the life I wanted. Since then, the women circle became my self-love routine. It really gave me the wings to rise again.
I started to understand that people come into our lives, stay as long as necessary, or as long as we can be for each other, to grow and to inspire each other, and to progress together. But sometimes one is walking faster and the other is slower, and it is okay to honour what we’ve had together and to move on.
Most of us go through life looking for that quick fix: “give me this pill and I will be healthy”; or “give me that job and I will be good”. So we don’t have to do any work ourselves. But it doesn’t work like that. If I want to learn how to tango, I can’t just go to one lesson and wish to become the best dancer in the room. I have to spend my time and energy to learn those steps so that I can feel comfortable and dance with eyes closed. It’s the same with the inner work. It requires time and consistent effort. It is very easy to take care of the tangible things but we don’t give enough importance to those intangible, invisible things. I would say, the intangible is even more important than the tangible – because the tangible will come once the intangible is taken care of.
I know I cannot change anyone, but I want to facilitate the space where people can move safely within; allowing them to rehab, to reconnect, to digest their own inner truth, and to become their own healers. I think opinions are really dangerous, because when we judge people, we are taking them away from their own truth. So everything I do, is about creating a space to enable a deeper connection within. As I myself go deeper within, I realise that by changing myself, by creating the beautiful inner experience in myself, my experience around my life starts to change by itself without me doing anything.
I was brought up in a Catholic family. Church for me was like an obligation. I didn’t like the idea that I need to be fearful of God. As I was going along my journey, I started to realise that actually my connection with God was something much different. A very important part is that I started to learn to really love myself. Like, I can clearly state now, that I love each part of myself. Even when I’m in pain or suffering, or in transition – sometimes when we shift to a different level of consciousness, we have to let go of the past, and that could be difficult or painful – but I’m able to hold that space for myself and honour myself: it is okay to feel whatever I’m feeling. I am able to hold myself in that kind of masculine energy as an observer without judging. In the past I used to deny those pains and sufferings; I was trying to neglect them by sweeping them underneath the carpet. Now I know, pain is just here to teach us something. I should not identify with it, but just witness it. Thinking, okay, what can I learn from it? And then come back to that joy. Just like the day and the night, you know after the night, the Sun will always rise again. In a way, I am now even excited to have some challenges. Because I know, after a period of darkness, I will awaken to some new aspects of myself. It is when I started to treat my body like a temple, where I could pray and connect from anywhere; when I started to realise that every single word I speak, the thought I have is my prayer – it is my message to the universe about what I want to manifest in life, that I really found my connection with the Source, with God.
Learn more about Kasia Mikolajczyk @ Find Bliss Within