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I just turned 40. So far I have to say it’s the best age I have even had. I have no idea how 50 will feel but so far the further the better. And I am sure when I am 100 years old I will say the same thing somehow.

What I feel is that I made the full circle. Or may be the spiral. I came back from being all natural to again wearing high heels, silky tight outfits, stockings, red nails and red lipstick and I do feel like a goddess as a result of this. Quite unexpectedly I have to say. And I am amazed how life constantly flows and changes, and how I flow and change with it.

My friend asked me on the day of my birthday: “ how do you feel?” And I told her I feel quite confused – I have no idea what is right and what is wrong anymore, how things are supposed to be and I have zero understanding of relationships and how they work. Really. No f*cking idea. Sometimes when people do certain things I go blank. I internally go through the process of feeling like I need to object or express my truth to just letting the others be as they are in their total expression and honestly, I have no idea anymore whether that expression is right or not. It’s just what it is.

My friend told me: “wow, this is the best place to be as where there is confusion, there is no control, and it’s perfect”. I am so grateful for your words, my amazing @birutebartkute, they made me suddenly see the gift in this confused state of mine.

I had the best birthday ever. Had lots of wine, laughed with friends, had French food at magical Piquenique32 , killed my feet with stilettos and danced swing with so many gentlemen at The Ned London. Looking forward to the next decade!

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